PARfection Brings Expectation to the Dance

I've always been a perfectionist and have never really shied away from it.  However, I was reading something recently and the author mentioned that with perfection comes expectation and I had never really thought of it that way, until a few weeks ago when my body, mind, and spirit completely tanked. Physically disguised as dehydration, my issues were more than a lack of fluids.

In striving for perfection, the expectations I set for myself and my business sent me to rock bottom. And down there, it was cloudy and surrounded by uncertainty and almost unbearable for someone who thought she had clarity. 

Side note: I am a  hardcore Pisces, always two fish swimming in opposite directions. 

During the time I was down, I had very little focus and my head spun evaluating every business and personal decision I had made in the last 8 years. Do I want to continue to play golf competitively? Do I really want to teach golf? Do I want to cut grass? Do I still want to be a partner in this business? Am I a good mom? Everything I thought I knew and loved was turned upside down and inside out.

I came back to work and back into my life with no answers. All my gurus said to sit with it. Don't make any decisions. Don't try to figure anything out. If you know me, I don't sit well and my heart felt like it had a big, black hole engulfing it. 

Per my usual, I healed myself on the golf course. The golf course is where I have always "found" myself, to be AT ONE with myself.  It's where I work things out in my head and in my body, where INNER PEACE resides inside me. It's where I find my JOY.

I started by cutting the grass for hours on end. It felt good, and I started to feel human again.

I gave a few golf lessons, and although my head was foggy, I was able to begin connecting with my students.

And after three weeks of not playing in one golf tournament, I teed it up. Although it wasn't pretty, I realized that I want to play golf and I want to get as good as I can get.  This meant I had to become a student again. Somewhere on my path of playing professional golf my perfection turned into weighty expectations and I stopped seeing the game through a student's eyes. I was still learning but it was only as a means to try to play perfect golf and this was driving me crazy. Literally.

I discovered that if I can just try to be a student of the game, a learner and observer, that those words changed the ENERGY of my golf game. I suddenly felt LIGHTER like all of the expectations were gone. I was FREE to actually be me and not this persona that I had taken on who was always tired and weary and frustrated, and most of all extremely disappointed in myself and lack of success.

Larry and I have instituted a new strategy to my practicing. We are focused on learning and not goals, expectations, and PARfection. Practices are more fun and filled with curiosity.  An attitude of not having an end goal, but having FUN and finding JOY in just practicing.

I've noticed that my students, too, are showing up with lots of expectations. I wonder if they can really hear me and truly learn as a "student" while carrying these expectations.  How can I help them to learn better and remove these expectant shields they are wearing? Is it my place to do so? I guess we'll play with this on the lesson tee...

Many Birdies,

Melissa